being a sports fan....

I have been a sports fan all my life.  It was a wonderful time during the years I was growing up in Baltimore with the Baltimore Colts and Orioles.  Those franchises had tremendous success and were well loved during those years.  The press and the fans around town respected those teams and the players, coaches and managers on those teams.  Great players like John Unitas, Brooks Robinson, Gino Marchetti, Eddie Murray, Cal Ripken Jr., Bert Jones, Raymond Berry, Art Donovan, Mike Curtis, Ted Hendricks, Bubba Smith, Jim Palmer, Al Bumbry, Scott McGregor, Mike Flanagan, Mike Boddicker and on and on and on.  Coaches and managers like Don Shula and Earl Weaver.  I can name other guys like John Dutton and Mike Barnes and Lydell Mitchell and John Lowenstein and Gary Roenicke and on and on... because they all might not have been national household names but they were Baltimore guys on Baltimore teams.  Teams that won consistently and comprised of players that were characters and had character.

Ah, I would be remiss not to mention those final Irsay-Colts years.  Although those final Irsay-Colts years were a circus and fans were upset about the perennial losing, mismanagement and general insanity, it still seemed ok to be a sports fan.  Particularly a Baltimore sports fan.  In many ways I found the Irsay-Colts comical and it was ok to complain and laugh at the circumstances.  I was in my late teens and early twenties in those years.  My friends and I took advantage of how bad the Irsay-Colts were by going to Memorial Stadium and getting game day tickets from scalpers for less than half of face value.

I still am a sports fan - I think.  I still love Baltimore sports with the Ravens and the Orioles.  I still watch as many Orioles games as possible and peak for  the scores of the games I don't watch all during baseball season.  I mean - it's a long season and I do have a lot of other things to do.  However during football season we come together as a family and watch the games each week.  You can do a lot of living and dieing during a Ravens game and it is fun.

Something is changing though.  Or maybe it's better to say that many things are changing.  Perhaps it is easier to remember the halcyon years of youth and what it was like to be a fan?  Was sports more right-sized then?  Was there less of a spotlight on sports?  Was there less of a spotlight on the players?  Were the players of yester-year more upstanding or were we in the dark about them because the media either didn't report what they knew or didn't know themselves?  Was the expense of being a fan less?  Both economically and to our souls?  Was there less greed as it related to sports?  Were the leagues and the owners less greedy about the franchises?  Choosing to run leagues and franchises as a sideline and pleased with ending in the black and not the red?  Did players understand they were being paid to play games and their incomes should reflect that fact?  Having to supplement their incomes with off season jobs and endorsements.

For me it is all of those things.  In many ways I can barely stomach being a sports fan anymore.  I want to have fun and cheer the teams and players and coaches.  I want to enjoy the competitions and the strategy.  Not just the Baltimore based teams but including college athletics and other sports more then football and baseball.  But it is becoming more and more difficult to overlook the slimy mess that sports has become.

How is it ok for an average NFL ticket price to be roughly $166? How could I justify taking my family - including daughter and her family? Over $1300 for 8 people. Approximately what I pay for a beach rental for my family for a week. Over $600 for a family of 4 to attend a NFL game. That is just the average ticket price and does not include parking, food or incidentals.  How can I truly celebrate a football day with my family?  It seems impossible because it feels irresponsible to me to spend so much money for a few hours.  Particularly when I can find so many other things to use the money for.

The only thing I can account for all of this is greed.  Greed by the leagues and the owners and the players.  The money is astounding to me.  Not just ticket sales.  It is in television and advertising and merchandising and whatever else you can think of.  Yet we keep paying.  I can't really blame the leagues and the owners and the players because the market seems infinite.  The leagues and the owners and the players are never going to say - "oh, that's enough money, let's hold the line right here."  They will continue to take as long as we continue to be willing to give it to them.

How can we cheer for and celebrate the players?  I want to be careful and not include and denigrate all of the players in major college and professional sports.  The majority of players are good, responsible and moral.  Those players outnumber by far the few players that are in the headlines for behavior that boggles the mind.  I also know that there are people that break the law, commit murders, rape, abuse women, abuse drugs and alcohol, abuse power, cheat, lie and any other kind of thing you can imagine in all walks of life.  However it seems to me that the percentages of the whole compared to the rest of society are extraordinarily lopsided with athletes involved in this behavior.  What leads to this?  Is it the world of entitlement they come from that makes them think they can do whatever they want with impunity?  Is it a peculiar mental twist in athletes?  Some mental twist that seperates them from the rest of society similar to the athletic gifts they have the rest of us don't have?

Last year I attended 2 Ravens games.  At both games the team chose to introduce the defense during the pre-game ramp up to the game.  These introductions are intended to be exciting and to bring energy to the stadium.  The players enjoy it and the fans have an opportunity to heartily support the players.  The volume and intensity goes up as each player is introduced.  Terrell Suggs is one of those players.  This is a man that abuses women.  Court records bear that out.  But forget the court records because they don't tell the whole story.  Because of celebrity and money Terrell Suggs has been able to both keep these transgressions tamped down and he has settled out of court when necessary.  He has been able to pay off his accuser.  I found it amazingly uncomfortable to cheer for Terrell Suggs.  I didn't do it and I won't ever do it.  It makes me wonder about the over 60 thousand other people on those days?  Did they forget what Suggs really is?  Are they willing to overlook what he is because he can help the Ravens win a football game?  Are the women willing to overlook his abusiveness?

When did sports become more important then... well just about anything?  I grew up during the Vietnam war.  Sports never seemed more important then the Vietnam war.  Socially as a population it seemed like we understood the value level of something like sports and where it ranked compared to a war.  However in the last 20 years I have lost track of the number of wars the United States has been involved in.  During all of these years it has seemed to me that sports has shared as much news time and social awareness as anything.  Including the various wars.  Wars where people have been losing their lives.  Not just U.S. sodiers losing their lives but including women and children.  Innocent people killed during wars our country has been involved in.  Or genocide or civil wars in places like Kosovo or Uganda or anywhere that doesn't benefit our thinking.

I feel complicit in overlooking all of the things that I believe to be of importance by continuing to be a sports fan and root for these teams and players.  I chip away at my own integrity and standards.  I am not sure that I will keep on being a sports fan.  I have some hope somewhere in my brain that the leagues and owners and players and media will wake up one day and say - "hey, let's fix some of these things".  More likely there will be more and more people like me that just stop paying attention.  Eventually we will stop going to the games, watching on TV, spending our money.  We will realize that there is a whole world of other things to pay attention to.  We don't really have to pay attention to what really amounts to a distraction.  Do we?

welcome....

Hello family and friends. If you are reading this it is because you have recieved an email from me that included a link to this BLOG. It also means you bothered to click on the link and you are actually now beginning to read. This BLOG is intended to be used as a whiteboard of ideas, thoughts, wishes, politics, sports..., anyone can increase the list. By no means do I pretend to be an authority on anything. However I do think I have a fine mind and I am always willing to learn. Most of the people I know... all have finer minds than mine and all usually have input or perspective different \ better than mine and all usually help me to learn. Maybe some of you know people that are not as like minded and can offer perspectives that are opposite of anything I can concieve. Thank God. Share with those people, add to the list of readers and sharers (sp? - real word?). Perhaps we could even get an honest to God exchange of ideas. Please post replies, rebuttals, new ideas, old ideas....

Thanksgiving

As the Thanksgiving holiday rapidly approaches it occurs to me that I have a lot to be grateful for. 

As most people say, almost as a cliche, I have my health... which I do have and for which I am grateful.  Without my health my life would be vastly different.  My options would be limited.  I would not be able to so freely choose the activities and lifestyle I want.  Consideration about my health, whether it be mental or physical, would have to enter the equation.  Instead I am able to choose to do things in a free manner with very little consideration as to whether or not I am able to pursue whatever it is I am considering.

Without my health my relationship with my wife would be vastly different.  Would I even have a relationship with her without my health?  Would she have any interest in a man my age if I was not able to walk with her at festivals, or ride a bike through Charlestown SC, or take her for a ride on a jet ski?  Would she have any interest in me if I was certifiably insane or learning disabled or wet brain?  Instead I have been able to do all of those things and I can hold a coherent conversation with her.  Although in almost all conversations I am out of my depth and struggling to keep up... but for all of that I am grateful.

My health presents opportunity to be able to actively participate in the lives of my children (older and younger) and grandchildren.  I can actively play, support and nurture them in a fun way.  I can still perform physical labor and provide aid or help when needed.  I can construct a swing set or bunk beds or some other manner of heavy lifting if needed or asked.  I can ride a bike or play catch or go shopping with my daughter (if she were interested in that).  Although I usually grumble... I am grateful for all of these things.

Could I ever be of service to my parents (natural, step, or in-law) if I were unable to think or be of physical help?  Could I take them to the doctors, or travel to their home, or go on vacation without my health?  All of my parents know that I tend to be difficult, but I am grateful to be of service and participate in their lives.

I am grateful for my health and the opportunities and freedom my health affords me.

I am grateful for my family.  I have a large and blended family.  My daughter joked with me the other day when she left my name with Jake's school so I could attend his Thanksgiving luncheon about how our family can be confusing to others.  Jake's teachers and the school administrators were having a hard time wrapping their heads around the cast of characters.  That is probably so but I think it has become less rare these days.  Families like mine have become more "normal" than the traditional "normal".  My family crosses the boundaries of age, politics, race, sexual orientation, economic status, geography and whatever other boundary you want to bring up.  Despite all of the differences we put the function in dysfunction.  The traditional "normals" seem somehow gray and bland.  In many ways I feel sorry for them and whatever paradigms they are so desperately trying to vainly hold on to.  I am grateful for the rich and insanely funny and widely varying differences of my family.

I am grateful for my families health.  Fundamentally everyone is fine.  Depending on age and circumstances each and every one of us has some consideration about health.  However all of these conditions are... expected and acceptable.  I am grateful for the fact that each of us are in a position to deal with whatever health requirements we are facing.

I am grateful for the means Stephanie and I have to take care of our family.  Including family that does not live in the boundaries of the 4 walls that we live in.  Steph and I have the ability to work and earn.  We both have good jobs and opportunity.  Neither of us wants to work as much or as we hard as we have to, but we understand in the grand scheme of working we have a lot to be grateful for.

Despite all of these things (and more) that I can be grateful for - and it is a lot - I would still change my life.  Or I would change one specific circumstance about my life.  Josh would be here.  He would be here, healthy, happy and somehow florishing in this bizarre and dysfunctional family.

If I could go back to last Thanksgiving and somehow change the course of events over the next week until December 1... well I would.  If I couldn't prevent the outcome I would have made better use of my time.  I would have spent every minute with Josh.

Steph and I and the boys were in the Poconos for Thanksgiving.  We celebrated with Paul and Mark and my father.  I was secure in my life and oh so unaware and naive.  The world was still right and there were no voids.  Then in just a couple of days everything changed.  The natural order was disrupted.  I never saw it coming.

There is a clear line of demarcation in my life.  There is everything that happened before December 1, 2011 and there has been everything that has happened since that day.

Before December 1, 2011 life was funny, messy, tragic, joyful, beautiful, horrible... whatever.  Anything you can use to describe life and all of it's trapdoors and celebrations.  However it was life without a benchmark.  It was just life and it was something to be lived and I just took it "one day at a time" for whatever was dealt.  There was nothing to compare and nothing to gnash my teeth over.

Since December 1, 2011 life is still funny, messy, tragic, joyful, beautiful, horrible... whatever.  However it all comes back to knowing and feeling that Josh isn't here.  I can be laughing and enjoying the moment.  Actually free for a minute... but then it comes back.  It's a jolt to my system and it always takes a minute to get through.

All throughout my days, every day, I have a running theme in my head.  All of the people I talk to and all of the things that I do during each day do not get all of me.  There is always space and dialog going on inside my head about Josh.

Thanksgiving Day is just a few days away.  I will be surrounded by family and I will see and feel love on that day.  I will be grateful for so many things.  There will be food and football and all of the simple distractions a day like this has to offer.  However I am not sure I will ever be secure again like I was last Thanksgiving.  I have been touched by an event that has changed everything.

I know I am not alone with problems and tragedy.  Even in the sphere of people I will be with on Thanksgiving Day there will be others dealing with their own problems and tragedy.  I feel for them and I pray for them.  If possible I will be of service for them.  The knowledge that others will be dealing with tragedy, life changing events and loss does little to compensate for my own loss.  Despite an academic knowledge of these things about others, I am still alone on this journey.  A journey of navigating waters without Josh.  A journey of living this Thanksgiving and all of the as of yet Thanksgivings without Josh.

Perhaps most foreboding of all is the knowledge of the not knowing.  We never envision our lives this way.  We carry on confident of the natural order.  There will be loss but only in a manner that we can reconcile.  I no longer assume there is a future.  I no longer take anything for granted.  Any consideration I give to the future is grounded in what I am doing today to be in a position for the future.  I no longer live in a paradigm of "normal" expectations.

I love my family and friends.  In many ways I am looking forward to this Thanksgiving Day.  I am hopeful to see most of the most meaningful and important people in the world to me.  I won't forsake them on this day.  How can I?  To do so only cheapens the memory of Josh and many of them are bearing the same loss.  Josh was all about living.  I intend to live on that day and many more.  Always bearing the new knowledge and the loss.