Monday, November 19, 2012
welcome....
Hello family and friends. If you are reading this it is because you have recieved an email from me that included a link to this BLOG. It also means you bothered to click on the link and you are actually now beginning to read. This BLOG is intended to be used as a whiteboard of ideas, thoughts, wishes, politics, sports..., anyone can increase the list. By no means do I pretend to be an authority on anything. However I do think I have a fine mind and I am always willing to learn. Most of the people I know... all have finer minds than mine and all usually have input or perspective different \ better than mine and all usually help me to learn. Maybe some of you know people that are not as like minded and can offer perspectives that are opposite of anything I can concieve. Thank God. Share with those people, add to the list of readers and sharers (sp? - real word?). Perhaps we could even get an honest to God exchange of ideas. Please post replies, rebuttals, new ideas, old ideas....
Thanksgiving
As the Thanksgiving holiday rapidly approaches it occurs to me that I have a lot to be grateful for.
As most people say, almost as a cliche, I have my health... which I do have and for which I am grateful. Without my health my life would be vastly different. My options would be limited. I would not be able to so freely choose the activities and lifestyle I want. Consideration about my health, whether it be mental or physical, would have to enter the equation. Instead I am able to choose to do things in a free manner with very little consideration as to whether or not I am able to pursue whatever it is I am considering.
Without my health my relationship with my wife would be vastly different. Would I even have a relationship with her without my health? Would she have any interest in a man my age if I was not able to walk with her at festivals, or ride a bike through Charlestown SC, or take her for a ride on a jet ski? Would she have any interest in me if I was certifiably insane or learning disabled or wet brain? Instead I have been able to do all of those things and I can hold a coherent conversation with her. Although in almost all conversations I am out of my depth and struggling to keep up... but for all of that I am grateful.
My health presents opportunity to be able to actively participate in the lives of my children (older and younger) and grandchildren. I can actively play, support and nurture them in a fun way. I can still perform physical labor and provide aid or help when needed. I can construct a swing set or bunk beds or some other manner of heavy lifting if needed or asked. I can ride a bike or play catch or go shopping with my daughter (if she were interested in that). Although I usually grumble... I am grateful for all of these things.
Could I ever be of service to my parents (natural, step, or in-law) if I were unable to think or be of physical help? Could I take them to the doctors, or travel to their home, or go on vacation without my health? All of my parents know that I tend to be difficult, but I am grateful to be of service and participate in their lives.
I am grateful for my health and the opportunities and freedom my health affords me.
I am grateful for my family. I have a large and blended family. My daughter joked with me the other day when she left my name with Jake's school so I could attend his Thanksgiving luncheon about how our family can be confusing to others. Jake's teachers and the school administrators were having a hard time wrapping their heads around the cast of characters. That is probably so but I think it has become less rare these days. Families like mine have become more "normal" than the traditional "normal". My family crosses the boundaries of age, politics, race, sexual orientation, economic status, geography and whatever other boundary you want to bring up. Despite all of the differences we put the function in dysfunction. The traditional "normals" seem somehow gray and bland. In many ways I feel sorry for them and whatever paradigms they are so desperately trying to vainly hold on to. I am grateful for the rich and insanely funny and widely varying differences of my family.
I am grateful for my families health. Fundamentally everyone is fine. Depending on age and circumstances each and every one of us has some consideration about health. However all of these conditions are... expected and acceptable. I am grateful for the fact that each of us are in a position to deal with whatever health requirements we are facing.
I am grateful for the means Stephanie and I have to take care of our family. Including family that does not live in the boundaries of the 4 walls that we live in. Steph and I have the ability to work and earn. We both have good jobs and opportunity. Neither of us wants to work as much or as we hard as we have to, but we understand in the grand scheme of working we have a lot to be grateful for.
Despite all of these things (and more) that I can be grateful for - and it is a lot - I would still change my life. Or I would change one specific circumstance about my life. Josh would be here. He would be here, healthy, happy and somehow florishing in this bizarre and dysfunctional family.
If I could go back to last Thanksgiving and somehow change the course of events over the next week until December 1... well I would. If I couldn't prevent the outcome I would have made better use of my time. I would have spent every minute with Josh.
Steph and I and the boys were in the Poconos for Thanksgiving. We celebrated with Paul and Mark and my father. I was secure in my life and oh so unaware and naive. The world was still right and there were no voids. Then in just a couple of days everything changed. The natural order was disrupted. I never saw it coming.
There is a clear line of demarcation in my life. There is everything that happened before December 1, 2011 and there has been everything that has happened since that day.
Before December 1, 2011 life was funny, messy, tragic, joyful, beautiful, horrible... whatever. Anything you can use to describe life and all of it's trapdoors and celebrations. However it was life without a benchmark. It was just life and it was something to be lived and I just took it "one day at a time" for whatever was dealt. There was nothing to compare and nothing to gnash my teeth over.
Since December 1, 2011 life is still funny, messy, tragic, joyful, beautiful, horrible... whatever. However it all comes back to knowing and feeling that Josh isn't here. I can be laughing and enjoying the moment. Actually free for a minute... but then it comes back. It's a jolt to my system and it always takes a minute to get through.
All throughout my days, every day, I have a running theme in my head. All of the people I talk to and all of the things that I do during each day do not get all of me. There is always space and dialog going on inside my head about Josh.
Thanksgiving Day is just a few days away. I will be surrounded by family and I will see and feel love on that day. I will be grateful for so many things. There will be food and football and all of the simple distractions a day like this has to offer. However I am not sure I will ever be secure again like I was last Thanksgiving. I have been touched by an event that has changed everything.
I know I am not alone with problems and tragedy. Even in the sphere of people I will be with on Thanksgiving Day there will be others dealing with their own problems and tragedy. I feel for them and I pray for them. If possible I will be of service for them. The knowledge that others will be dealing with tragedy, life changing events and loss does little to compensate for my own loss. Despite an academic knowledge of these things about others, I am still alone on this journey. A journey of navigating waters without Josh. A journey of living this Thanksgiving and all of the as of yet Thanksgivings without Josh.
Perhaps most foreboding of all is the knowledge of the not knowing. We never envision our lives this way. We carry on confident of the natural order. There will be loss but only in a manner that we can reconcile. I no longer assume there is a future. I no longer take anything for granted. Any consideration I give to the future is grounded in what I am doing today to be in a position for the future. I no longer live in a paradigm of "normal" expectations.
I love my family and friends. In many ways I am looking forward to this Thanksgiving Day. I am hopeful to see most of the most meaningful and important people in the world to me. I won't forsake them on this day. How can I? To do so only cheapens the memory of Josh and many of them are bearing the same loss. Josh was all about living. I intend to live on that day and many more. Always bearing the new knowledge and the loss.
As most people say, almost as a cliche, I have my health... which I do have and for which I am grateful. Without my health my life would be vastly different. My options would be limited. I would not be able to so freely choose the activities and lifestyle I want. Consideration about my health, whether it be mental or physical, would have to enter the equation. Instead I am able to choose to do things in a free manner with very little consideration as to whether or not I am able to pursue whatever it is I am considering.
Without my health my relationship with my wife would be vastly different. Would I even have a relationship with her without my health? Would she have any interest in a man my age if I was not able to walk with her at festivals, or ride a bike through Charlestown SC, or take her for a ride on a jet ski? Would she have any interest in me if I was certifiably insane or learning disabled or wet brain? Instead I have been able to do all of those things and I can hold a coherent conversation with her. Although in almost all conversations I am out of my depth and struggling to keep up... but for all of that I am grateful.
My health presents opportunity to be able to actively participate in the lives of my children (older and younger) and grandchildren. I can actively play, support and nurture them in a fun way. I can still perform physical labor and provide aid or help when needed. I can construct a swing set or bunk beds or some other manner of heavy lifting if needed or asked. I can ride a bike or play catch or go shopping with my daughter (if she were interested in that). Although I usually grumble... I am grateful for all of these things.
Could I ever be of service to my parents (natural, step, or in-law) if I were unable to think or be of physical help? Could I take them to the doctors, or travel to their home, or go on vacation without my health? All of my parents know that I tend to be difficult, but I am grateful to be of service and participate in their lives.
I am grateful for my health and the opportunities and freedom my health affords me.
I am grateful for my family. I have a large and blended family. My daughter joked with me the other day when she left my name with Jake's school so I could attend his Thanksgiving luncheon about how our family can be confusing to others. Jake's teachers and the school administrators were having a hard time wrapping their heads around the cast of characters. That is probably so but I think it has become less rare these days. Families like mine have become more "normal" than the traditional "normal". My family crosses the boundaries of age, politics, race, sexual orientation, economic status, geography and whatever other boundary you want to bring up. Despite all of the differences we put the function in dysfunction. The traditional "normals" seem somehow gray and bland. In many ways I feel sorry for them and whatever paradigms they are so desperately trying to vainly hold on to. I am grateful for the rich and insanely funny and widely varying differences of my family.
I am grateful for my families health. Fundamentally everyone is fine. Depending on age and circumstances each and every one of us has some consideration about health. However all of these conditions are... expected and acceptable. I am grateful for the fact that each of us are in a position to deal with whatever health requirements we are facing.
I am grateful for the means Stephanie and I have to take care of our family. Including family that does not live in the boundaries of the 4 walls that we live in. Steph and I have the ability to work and earn. We both have good jobs and opportunity. Neither of us wants to work as much or as we hard as we have to, but we understand in the grand scheme of working we have a lot to be grateful for.
Despite all of these things (and more) that I can be grateful for - and it is a lot - I would still change my life. Or I would change one specific circumstance about my life. Josh would be here. He would be here, healthy, happy and somehow florishing in this bizarre and dysfunctional family.
If I could go back to last Thanksgiving and somehow change the course of events over the next week until December 1... well I would. If I couldn't prevent the outcome I would have made better use of my time. I would have spent every minute with Josh.
Steph and I and the boys were in the Poconos for Thanksgiving. We celebrated with Paul and Mark and my father. I was secure in my life and oh so unaware and naive. The world was still right and there were no voids. Then in just a couple of days everything changed. The natural order was disrupted. I never saw it coming.
There is a clear line of demarcation in my life. There is everything that happened before December 1, 2011 and there has been everything that has happened since that day.
Before December 1, 2011 life was funny, messy, tragic, joyful, beautiful, horrible... whatever. Anything you can use to describe life and all of it's trapdoors and celebrations. However it was life without a benchmark. It was just life and it was something to be lived and I just took it "one day at a time" for whatever was dealt. There was nothing to compare and nothing to gnash my teeth over.
Since December 1, 2011 life is still funny, messy, tragic, joyful, beautiful, horrible... whatever. However it all comes back to knowing and feeling that Josh isn't here. I can be laughing and enjoying the moment. Actually free for a minute... but then it comes back. It's a jolt to my system and it always takes a minute to get through.
All throughout my days, every day, I have a running theme in my head. All of the people I talk to and all of the things that I do during each day do not get all of me. There is always space and dialog going on inside my head about Josh.
Thanksgiving Day is just a few days away. I will be surrounded by family and I will see and feel love on that day. I will be grateful for so many things. There will be food and football and all of the simple distractions a day like this has to offer. However I am not sure I will ever be secure again like I was last Thanksgiving. I have been touched by an event that has changed everything.
I know I am not alone with problems and tragedy. Even in the sphere of people I will be with on Thanksgiving Day there will be others dealing with their own problems and tragedy. I feel for them and I pray for them. If possible I will be of service for them. The knowledge that others will be dealing with tragedy, life changing events and loss does little to compensate for my own loss. Despite an academic knowledge of these things about others, I am still alone on this journey. A journey of navigating waters without Josh. A journey of living this Thanksgiving and all of the as of yet Thanksgivings without Josh.
Perhaps most foreboding of all is the knowledge of the not knowing. We never envision our lives this way. We carry on confident of the natural order. There will be loss but only in a manner that we can reconcile. I no longer assume there is a future. I no longer take anything for granted. Any consideration I give to the future is grounded in what I am doing today to be in a position for the future. I no longer live in a paradigm of "normal" expectations.
I love my family and friends. In many ways I am looking forward to this Thanksgiving Day. I am hopeful to see most of the most meaningful and important people in the world to me. I won't forsake them on this day. How can I? To do so only cheapens the memory of Josh and many of them are bearing the same loss. Josh was all about living. I intend to live on that day and many more. Always bearing the new knowledge and the loss.
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